1. By logging onto this website (or having logged in in the past and now even THINKING about logging in again), you relinquish possession of all of your belongings, including property, house, auto, HDTV, and suet birdfeeders. They now belong to Jake Reeves. Thanks.

2. iLiveProductions now owns your first-born, if you have one, and if said first-born is well-behaved. Brats remain in your possession. If you have no first-born children, rodent pets or 4-wheeled ATVs will be accepted.

3. You are now auto-enrolled in IliveProductions Live!, which gives us the right to install cameras in every room of your house and randomly upload photos of every daily activity. Our auto-tagging feature will make a best guess at identifying you. Heh.

4. All of your blogs belong to us. Except Fred’s. He’s too noisy.

5. Your privacy settings on Internet Explorer® will auto-reset each day to random settings chosen by our MaxEmbarrass Algorithm Method. You may change them back if you wish, but by clicking “Apply” to your settings, you grant us unlimited rights to ignore whatever you chose.

6. At our sole discretion, you may be redirected to Twitter so as to keep you from taking for granted the privilege caring what people say.

7. You are now opted in to receive SPAM.

8. All comments that you post on our website are hereby entitled to publish your personal data and preferences on our new “SPAM-ME-NOW.com” sister site, soon to be launched.

9. Spontaneous Human Combustion may occur while watching iLiveProductions. If this happens to you, we own your ashes.

10. You may opt out of iLiveProductions at any time. But it won’t make any difference.

11. If you have ever thought about uploading any pictures, links, words, thoughts, or other assets onto the iLiveProductions Blog, those items are all, in perpetuity, the exclusive property of iLiveProductions. Thanks.

12. If you have ever watched an iLivePrductions video, you are now an indentured servant of iLiveProductions, and we reserve the right to sell you on eBay to the highest bidder, or, at our discretion, at a “Buy it Now!” price of our choosing.

13. By watching iLiveProductions, you agree never to use Google again. All future searches will have to be through a 1998 version of AltaVista.

14. If your profile on LinkedIn, MySpace, Friendster, eHarmony, Facebook, or Pownce mentions your name, we may take possession of said profiles, and the services on which you have described yourself.

15. You may not whine at any time, for any reason.

16. Cheap boxed wines may not be imbibed by any iLiveProductions viewer. Screwtop bottles are acceptable if imported from New Zealand or Iceland. Use of wine coolers will be grounds for immediate termination. You don’t want to know what that means.

17. Your college loans, mortgages, credit card debts, Madoff investments, and auto companies are exempted from iLiveProductions ownership. See “Bailout and TARP” provision.

18. By watching iLiveProductions, you agree to lower your “carbon footprint” by 15% per year by skipping every sixth exhale.

19. If you use Twitter, you agree to follow @ilive_jake, unless you are a spammer, in which case you agree to self-immolate (see #9 above).

20. You agree to pick up the mess after walking the dog.

21. You agree that outmoded discussions of “privacy” will not be indulged, either on iLiveProductions or in any lesser sphere of life, since we now own you. Just shut up and keep spilling your guts. Wait a minute, that’s self-contradictory. Ah, whatever, this is white-on-white and no-one’s going to ever see it anyway! Toy boat! Toy boat! Ha ha ha ha…

22. iLiveProductions, its representatives or agents, may, at any time, and for any reason, choose to extract one of your kidneys.

23. If you are currently single and choose to marry, a 10% dowry to iLiveProductions is expected. If you met your spouse via "our website", that becomes 25% plus a $200 gift certificate to the Apple Store made out to Jake Reeves.

24. (we’re going to fill this in later. But you’re agreeing to it.)

25. Resistance is futile.